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stay up or go to bed

I hope her weekend off is going well. No. More than that. I hope its the best weekend ever. The mother of all weekends. If she's not having the time of her life- if after this weekend she has hopes for bigger and better weekends off because this wasn't quite the best ever weekend- then it wasn't worth it. Today I realised that I don't even really know my kids. Only seeing them for about a 60-90mins per day and never really having an opportunity to have to take care of them by myself has taken its toll. The last eight hours were very long, for all three of us I suspect. The early dinner and bedtime I promised my eldest (because she was quite tired all afternoon due to the short nap she had this morning) turned out to be a fair bit later than her normal bedtime. Her sister had a horrible wait of around four hours between bottles.. and no sleep in between.. and hysterical screaming for a fair bit of that time.

It's not that I don't want to do this. In fact, I've actually been looking forward to this for some weeks now. But I can't help but think that I'd actually enjoy spending time with my children a lot more if I had some time doing this prior to this weekend, so that I actually knew what I was doing when the time came. There's the feeling of being in the deep end, and then there's the feeling of being way out in the ocean somewhere - maybe stranded in Mururoa attol or someplace similar.

And now I ponder whether or not I should stay up for a little while as per normal to try to wind down and attempt to relax before going to bed, or if I should just admit defeat and acknowledge that tomorrow is going to be a much longer day than today. Even as I type this, I can feel tomorrow's schedule falling behind. I'm late before I even start.